I Feel So ALIVE
Today I ran five miles.
FIVE MILES!
I only set out to do a three-mile loop, but as I came to the end I just…wasn’t ready to be done. So I hopped on another trail that went straight up the mountainside. And by the time I made it to the top, I still wasn’t ready to be done. So I started down the trail that ran perpendicular to the mountainside and cruised along a little longer, before I ultimately decided that it would be best to give my body a break. Even if I did desperately want to keep going for the rest of time.
When I was running the most (in high school, ha) I used to say that the first month of running every day is miserable. The second month is neutral. And by the third month, you finally start to understand why people do it.
I’ve had that in mind as a benchmark while I work through the ups and downs of building an endurance base again, and it’s been really helpful to keep my expectations grounded in reality. By and large, getting back into running has felt like a great reunion, but every time I run into a frustration, it’s so helpful to be able to say, “Oh, there's the miserable part.” Sore feet. Aching lungs. And simply not being in the mood to get dressed and walk out that door. But as I build consistency, I’m getting stronger, I’m gaining confidence, and I’m finding myself eager to pick up the pace, to go even further. I don’t want to just show up and plod through—I want to go for it.
There’s a lingering part of me that finds it funny that I’m so proud to have run five whole miles. There was a time where I considered anything less than a 6-mile run a recovery run. Now a 5-miler is a record long run.
But you know what? I’m working hard to reclaim something that I spent years longing for but was too scared to touch because I couldn’t risk seeing how I measured up against the way things used to be. And now I’m out here doing it! I am so proud of myself.
I spent the entire run with a great big grin on my face. Half the time I was laughing out loud, cheering into the great openness before me with the sheer joy that welled up. The sun was shining down, and as I navigated the rocky terrain I felt myself slip into a oneness with the earth, flowing with the path. Full embodiment. Full presence in the moment. Full bliss.
That’s what I’m after out there. It’s been waiting for me all this time. Waiting until I was ready to try again. And now that I’ve taken even a tentative step, I’m finding it one thousand times over.
I’m ALIVE!
